My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Randomize
