you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
