Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize