So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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