I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
