Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
