Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
