i'm signing you up for texting rehab
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
