I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
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he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
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And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car