Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
