So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
