that's an acceptable place to lick
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
