That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
