my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
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