i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
When did angry sex become our thing?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
