And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
