You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
