I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Jerry, you need to find god
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
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