she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
