Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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