I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
