You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Even my vagina gasped.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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