You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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