Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
