I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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