The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Randomize
