it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
