Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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