I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
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