Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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