He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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