Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Randomize
