That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
