Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
