Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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