Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
