you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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