am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Randomize
