You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Randomize
