You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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