My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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