tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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