Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Send help, water and tortillas.
Holy sore nipples Batman
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
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