we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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