I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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