High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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