My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
