oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
