paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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