Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
