Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
