im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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