he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
