my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Just invented taco cereal.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
