OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
