Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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