I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Randomize
